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Footnotes To Life

Because sometimes we need them to help us understand…

facebook-logoWe all love Facebook. Statistically we spend 10% of our time online on Facebook – more than we do on any other site or service. As destructive as that is for workplace productivity, there is still a shred of hope for employers. Several forms of idiot inhabit the Facebook region of the internet and use their annoying posts to drive us back to our day jobs.

The Vaguebooker

This species of idiot posts vague, depressing statuses so people ask them what’s wrong. When people ask them, they weave some depressing tale, intentionally leaving questions unanswered to keep the pity-fest going as long as possible. These needy idiots think love is equal to the number of sympathetic comments on their latest Facebook status.

The TMIer

This idiot checks in everywhere they go to let you know what’s happening on even the most normal of days. You’ll see status updates like “at the grocery store,” “going to the bank,” and “sitting around at home.” Well congratu-fucking-lations, you’re so important we all need to know where you are every second of the day. Just wait until some clown robs your house because they knew you were “going to store, then bank, then out for din-dins with my BFF.”

The Chronic Lyricer

Every status this idiot posts is a song lyric or a quote. Once in a while, it’s inspiring, but when every status is a pseudo-deep Blink 182 quote, it gets old and whiny pretty fast. If you find a clever quote about your current situation, great, if not, respect the fact that most of us would rather get our music from iTunes, not your Facebook feed.

The Game Player

This idiot clogs your news feed with their Farmville achievements. Seriously,I don’t care whether you discovered a gold coin or need help building a barn in your magical online universe. Find something else to do with your time instead of skiving off and playing Farmville or Mafia Wars while you’re at work. Oh, and for the record, more than two requests a week to join you in playing said game is grounds for unfriending.

The Politicer/Religioner

This species of idiot insists on bringing up their political and/or religious views at every possible opportunity. Whether they’re a commie or a conservative, they have to blame everything on the other side as publicly as they can – using their Facebook status. They’ll get a bunch of likes from people who share their ludicrous viewpoint and anyone who dares to question the logic or sanity of their position will get their lineage brutally insulted. For those of you reading this thinking “this isn’t aimed at me, my viewpoint makes sense.” You’re wrong, it is.

The Excessive Tagger

Everyone loves being tagged in the occasional photo or status, but this idiot tags every friend they have, even if they weren’t there. They’re so excited by their latest outfit they post a grainy webcam shot let the tags fly, presumably hoping for comments or likes or something. Mostly, what they get is a whole bunch of creepy people looking at their hot photo after the idiot wormed their way into their friend’s news feed.

The New-Speller

Whether this particular idiot has any idea how to spell or not, they choose not to. Cool becomes kewl, rotflmao becomes a regular word and they cApItAlIZe EvErY aLtErNaTe letter, presumably because they don’t know where to use capital letters, but know they should. Either way, it’s damn near impossible to read what they’re saying. When you finally do figure it out, it probably wasn’t worth reading anyway.

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