Skip to content

Footnotes To Life

Because sometimes we need them to help us understand…

The holiday season brings out the best and worst in all of us. We’re happy to scream and shout at the cashier for being slow, and then hand $5 to the Salvation Army guy standing outside the door. With everyone at the shops, it’s a topical time to review some of the common ways we Footnoters can identify certain species of idiot present in the malls and strip malls around the country.

1. The Entrance-Exiter

This particular idiot brings their cart, bags and comically over-sized holiday belly out the entrance while a steady stream of new visitors is coming in. Heaven only knows why they feel it’s necessary to be such a contrarian, but it doesn’t work because they end up as irritated and mad those fighting their way in do. You have to wonder how this particular breed of idiot ever enters a highway safely.

2. The Line-Sigher

This particular idiot stands restlessly in line, sighing loudly every few seconds and sometimes muttering under their breath about how slowly everything is moving. You can feel their eyes boring into the back of your head as if it’s somehow your fault simply because you’re in front of them, and by joining the line when you did, you’ve destroyed their plans for the whole day. You want to tell them they should just be patient like everyone else, but idiots have memories like goldfish, so they’ll forget within eight seconds and go back to sighing loudly. You’ll just have to deal.

3. The Over Limit Credit Carder

This person takes it upon themselves to try and determine exactly how far they are from their credit limit by taking a massive amount of merchandise up to the register, then mixing and matching pieces until their credit card stops declining. I suggest that next time you see one of these folks, you tell them to go home and pay their bill, instead of racking up more interest on shit that’ll get returned the day after Christmas.

4. The Unaware Browser

This particular type of idiot is related to the outside lane camper we discussed in the driving portion of our guide. They look at one item, seemingly engrossed, until you go to walk behind them in the aisle when, with the agility of a tiger, they block your path. The more skilled members of this species will manage to knock down your carefully balanced pile of last-minute gifts, scattering them across the Macy’s floor.

5. The “Rules Don’t Apply To Me-er”

This person embodies the customer is always right. They insist the store give them what they want, even though what they want is not only completely unreasonable, but also something the store manager could never conceivably supply. They are easy to spot because they’ll have a simplistic argument about why the TV they bought to HHGreg can be returned to Best Buy for a Best Buy credit. By the time you’ve been in line behind them more than 30 seconds, the loudness of their voice and sheer lunacy of their argument will make everything clear, and you’ll spend the next 20 minutes waiting patiently behind them in line and wondering why the manager hasn’t hit them over the head with their TV. Return that bitch.

6. The Mall Stopper

This species has become more prevalent recently, and its population is growing exponentially as more and more people buy smart phones. It’s that person you’re following in the mall who randomly stops in the middle of the corridor for no reason, other than the cute kitten video they’ve spent 10 minutes downloading has started and they can’t walk and watch at the same time. When you run into the back of them, because, let’s face it, you were downloading the same video, they look at you as if it’s somehow your fault that you can walk and play with your phone at the same time. You bastard.

 

Normal
0

false
false
false

EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE

 

 

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}

The holiday season brings out the best and worst in all of us. We’re happy to scream and shout at the cashier for being slow, and then hand $5 to the Salvation Army guy standing outside the door. With everyone at the shops, it’s a topical time to review some of the common ways we Footnoters can identify certain species of idiot present in the malls and strip malls around the country.

1. The Entrance-Exiter

This particular idiot brings their cart, bags and unusually oversized holiday belly out the entrance while a steady stream of new visitors is coming in. Heaven only knows why they feel it’s necessary to be such a contrarian, but it doesn’t work because they end up as irritated and mad those fighting their way in do. You have to wonder how this particular breed of idiot ever enters a highway safely.

2. The Line-Sigher

This particular idiot stands restlessly in line, sighing loudly every few seconds and sometimes muttering under their breath about how slowly everything is moving. You can feel their eyes boring into the back of your head as if it’s somehow your fault simply because you’re in front of them, and by joining the line when you did, you’ve destroyed their plans for the whole day. You want to tell them they should just be patient like everyone else, but idiots have memories like goldfish, so they’ll forget within eight seconds and go back to sighing loudly. You’ll just have to deal.

3. The Over Limit Credit Carder

This person takes it upon themselves to try and determine exactly how far they are from their credit limit by taking a massive amount of merchandise up to the register, then mixing and matching pieces until their credit card stops declining. I suggest that next time you see one of these folks, you go out and tell them to go home and pay their bill, instead of racking up more interest on shit that’ll get returned the day after Christmas.

4. The Unaware Browser

This particular type of idiot is related to the outside lane camper we discussed in the driving portion of our guide. They look at one item, seemingly engrossed, until you go to walk behind them in the aisle when, with the agility of a tiger, they block your path. The more skilled members of this species will manage to knock down your carefully balanced pile of last-minute gifts, scattering them across the Macy’s floor.

5. The “Rules Don’t Apply To Me-er”

This person embodies the customer is always right. They insist the store give them what they want, even though what they want is not only completely unreasonable, but it’s usually something the store manager can never conceivably supply. They are easy to spot because they’ll have a simplistic argument about why the TV they bought to HHGreg can be returned to Best Buy for a Best Buy credit. By the time you’ve been in line behind them more than 30 seconds, the loudness of their voice and sheer lunacy of their argument will make everything clear, and you’ll spend the next 20 minutes waiting patiently behind them in line and wondering why the manager hasn’t hit them over the head with their TV. Return that bitch.

6. The Mall Stopper

This species has become more prevalent recently, and its population is growing exponentially as more and more people buy smart phones. It’s that person you’re following in the mall who randomly stops in the middle of the corridor for no reason, other than the cute kitten video they’ve spent 10 minutes downloading has started and they can’t walk and watch at the same time. When you run into the back of them, because, let’s face it, you were downloading the same video, they look at you as if it’s somehow your fault that you can walk and play with your phone at the same time. You bastard.

Advertisements

%d bloggers like this: