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Footnotes To Life

Because sometimes we need them to help us understand…

stupid-ferrari-owner

Stupid drivers can't see white lines, that's why they can't park. Photo from Flickr user Roadsidepictures

This is part one of a guide to help us all avoid idiots in everyday life. We’ll start with one of the more common classes of idiot, and that is drivers. There are more idiots on the road than there are in Walmart on Christmas Eve, and they only seem to be multiplying. Roadway idiots come in several different species.

1. Failing to Park Between The Lines

A Geo Metro parked across three spaces is a dead giveaway that it’s driven by this species of complete donkey. The garden-variety driving idiot can’t see while lines across parking spaces, so they’re completely unable to park between them. Unfortunately, dealing with these idiots can be quite a burden. If you’re feeling brave or drive a beater, you can block them in. Just beware they’ll probably hit you on the way out, because, you know, they’re an idiot. The only safe way of avoiding them is to leave the state and only come back once the idiot has left.

2. Driving Slowly in the Outside Lane

A peculiar trait exhibited by this vehicular idiot is driving in the far left lane 20 miles per hour slower than the rest of the traffic. Studies have not adequately determined whether this is a result of the idiot’s complete apathy towards the needs of other drivers, or just a desire to make everyone travel at the his speed, but when your path down the outside lane is blocked by a car moving slower than Jerry Sandusky in a school zone, it’s a clear sign the driver is a complete idiot.

3. Passing For No Advantage.

This idiotic trait is the opposite of the Outside Lane Camper. They wait for the smallest of small gaps in the inside lane, then fly up it, get halfway past and cut over in front of you. They gain one car space in line, give you have a heart attack and force you to slam on the brakes trying to avoid them. Unfortunately, no amount of honking or light flashing deters this behavior, but you can rest easy in the knowledge that you’ll still arrive before they do, because they’re certain to get lost. After all, they’re a complete idiot.

4. Failing To Use Turn Signals

These idiots are camouflaged. They blend in with regular traffic until they suddenly make a turn or lane change with no warning whatsoever. You can often spot one of these people ahead of you when you see several cars suddenly take evasive action as they try to avoid ramming this unique breed of complete idiot, who seems to have forgotten what the left hand stalk on the back of his steering wheel is for.

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Look see - they can't keep driving in a straight line! Photo courtesy Wanderinggnome

5. Talking on Their Phone

This breed of idiot is very easy to spot. They’re unable to maintain a straight line, often wandering between lanes while on the highway. They can be quite tricky to avoid, particularly if they’re discussing something complex, like how they dress themselves in the morning. The best way to bring them back to real life is to lay on your horn loudly so the person on the other end of the phone knows they’re behaving like a clown.

6. Driving A Loud Ass Car

These idiots aren’t so much spotted as heard. You can often identify one up to a mile away, because their car sounds like an unsilenced lawnmower whirring towards you at its top speed of 15 miles per hour. Avoid parking near one by examining the tailpipes on the cars around you. If you can see an exhaust you could fit a bowling ball in, you’ve found a loud idiot and you should park somewhere else, or be forever deafened if you happen to return as they are leaving. These idiots struggle to drive correctly because the constant vibration and noise renders them incapable of stopping or starting at a normal speed and staying in the same lane for more than 100 yards. They’re also forced them to race away from a red light as if it were the green flag at the Indy 500.

7. Tailgaiting For No Reason

You can spot one of these idiots because all you’ll see in your rear view mirror is their face. The rest of their car – most notably the hood and lights – is so close to your rear end it’s below your rear windshield. Studies have shown these people sometimes have gritted teeth and a squint, but these expressions are not present in all cases. The behavior is usually exhibited in rush hour traffic when there is someone in front of you and you are unable to go as quickly as the idiot wants.

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