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Footnotes To Life

Because sometimes we need them to help us understand…

3. Kay Jewelers

See, a big ol' diamond makes everything better doesn't it you poor, weak woman. </sarcasm>

Since we started on the subject of consumerism yesterday, I figured why not continue today. After all, Kay Jewelers are also raining on my Christmas parade and I’m ready to go stand outside their offices all day singing their damn jingle and I’ll see how they like it.

Let’s face it, my spouse would love me to buy her diamonds every time I have an opportunity to get her a gift, but I’d bet my last dollar she’d be a lot less thrilled when she looked at my credit card statement afterwards. It’s not that I don’t love her, it’s just Christmas is not a “spouse” holiday. The spouse holidays are Valentine’s Day, and anniversaries. For those holidays I would consider a diamond. Please show me to your used diamond lot.

I also firmly believe no matter how many diamonds I buy her, she’ll still be mad as hell when I forget to take the trash out. The diamonds are nice when you wear them, which is like… once or twice a year. The trash smells every day. All the time. It’s a lot more annoying than diamonds are nice. Maybe all the people buying these diamonds can also afford maids to take the trash out. That sounds like what’s really going on here.

Having said that, I don’t know whether I should be more annoyed Kay Jewelers is trying to get their sticky paws deep into my wallet, or my wife should be more annoyed that Kay Jewelers paints her as a soft, fragile creature, whose fear of the storms can be quickly calmed through strategic giving of diamonds. A member of an anti-Kay Jewelers Commercials Facebook group summed it up best; “I know every time lightening scares me the only thing that makes me feel better is a man laughing at me and handing me some purty trinket.” Thanks, Lola, I agree.

As much as the commercials annoy me, it’s not the content as much as the frequency that gets on my nerves. Once that jingle is stuck in my head it’s impossible to get out. That’s great for Kay Jewelers, but disastrous for my sanity. I mean, there were two Kay Jewelers commercials during one break not long ago. I understand people leave to use the bathroom or make a drink, but still, two commercials during the same break? How about you save yourself a little money on advertising and lower the prices a little. You’d walk away with the same profit, because the rest of us could more easily afford to buy our wives a cure for their fear of lightning.

In fact, there is a nasty backhanded implication that unless you’ve bought a diamond, you’ll never get kissed. After all, EVERY kiss begins with Kay. But that’s just not true. Kisses can start with simple things like feeding the cat, making coffee early in the morning and putting on the laundry before my wife gets back from work. Domestic bliss is far from achieved by purchasing an expensive diamond.

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